Now that you have had a week of putting your relationship as top priority let's talk about something all couples experience, conflict.
It is an enviable part of relationships. When we think of conflict we usually envision hearts pumping, fists clenching and voices raising. Conflict has a negative connotation in our society however, research shows that conflict itself is not harmful. Disagreements are natural and even have positive aspects in relationships. However, conflict can be detrimental for a relationship if it is not managed in a healthy way.
It is an enviable part of relationships. When we think of conflict we usually envision hearts pumping, fists clenching and voices raising. Conflict has a negative connotation in our society however, research shows that conflict itself is not harmful. Disagreements are natural and even have positive aspects in relationships. However, conflict can be detrimental for a relationship if it is not managed in a healthy way.
In his many years as a marriage and family therapist and researcher, John Gottman noticed common negative communication patterns that lead to relationships failing and named them, The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse¹. This article will address each of the four horsemen as well as the antidotes to stop them from destroying your relationship.
Criticism
Voicing a complaint or giving a critique in a healthy way is a great way to resolve misunderstanding and manage disagreements. Criticism is harmful because at it’s core the statement is an attack on your spouse. Instead of addressing the situation, criticism attacks the other person’s character or personality. An example of complaint vs criticism would be:
Voicing a complaint or giving a critique in a healthy way is a great way to resolve misunderstanding and manage disagreements. Criticism is harmful because at it’s core the statement is an attack on your spouse. Instead of addressing the situation, criticism attacks the other person’s character or personality. An example of complaint vs criticism would be:
- Complaint: “I was frustrated when you came home and asked what was for dinner. I had a hard day with the kids and have not had time to start dinner. Now that you are home, could you help me with dinner?”
- Criticism: “You never help with dinner. You are so lazy. You only care about yourself, you never think of helping me. It’s like you don’t even care about me.”
Notice the difference between the two statements, the first focused on the behavior while the second attacked the character of their spouse. The antidote for criticism is to complain without blame. In these situations, it is helpful to use “I statements.” I statements avoid blame by focusing on how the individual feels and then stating a need. In moments of frustration, take a deep breath to think about what you are really trying to say. Discussing with your partner this way will have more positive results.
Defensiveness
Responding in a defensive manner is giving excuses to get our spouse off of our back. The problem with responding defensively is that it does not solve the problem. In a way defensiveness is used to place the blame on your spouse. The issue will never be resolved and will continue to escalate if defensiveness is often used.
Responding in a defensive manner is giving excuses to get our spouse off of our back. The problem with responding defensively is that it does not solve the problem. In a way defensiveness is used to place the blame on your spouse. The issue will never be resolved and will continue to escalate if defensiveness is often used.
- She: “Did you pick up the dry cleaning on your way home from work?”
- He: “My day was too busy. You knew that I had a crazy day, why didn’t you just go get it?”
The antidote for defensiveness is taking responsibility. A better response would have been, “Shoot. I had a crazy day and forgot all about it. I’ll put a reminder in my phone and be sure to pick it up on my way home tomorrow.”
Contempt
Contempt uses disrespect when interacting with others. The intent is to make the other person feel worthless and despised. Dr. Gottman found that contempt is the greatest predictor of divorce¹. Signs of contempt include; eye-rolling, mockery through sarcasm, mimicking, ridicule, and name-calling. An example would be:
Contempt uses disrespect when interacting with others. The intent is to make the other person feel worthless and despised. Dr. Gottman found that contempt is the greatest predictor of divorce¹. Signs of contempt include; eye-rolling, mockery through sarcasm, mimicking, ridicule, and name-calling. An example would be:
"You think you are tired? Oh please, all you did today was go to work. I was up with the baby all night and busy running around with our toddler all day. If only my day was as easy as yours. Could you be any lazier?”
Contempt never solves problems; it only makes the other person feels worse. The antidote to contempt is to build a relationship of appreciation and respect. A tip to approaching your relationship this way is to spend more time focusing on the positives rather than dwelling on the negatives. Consistently thinking about the negatives of a spouse will lead to frustration and disrespect. However, noticing the good in a spouse will help to create an environment of love.
Stonewalling
This occurs when one partner shuts down and withdraws themselves from the conversation. When a conflict arises they choose to run away from the problem rather than to address it head on. There can never be unity in a relationship when one or both partners choose to act busy or walk away in the face of issues. Stonewalling is a lack of responsiveness that starts as an easy-out but all too often becomes a habit when frequently used. The antidote is to self-soothe.
This occurs when one partner shuts down and withdraws themselves from the conversation. When a conflict arises they choose to run away from the problem rather than to address it head on. There can never be unity in a relationship when one or both partners choose to act busy or walk away in the face of issues. Stonewalling is a lack of responsiveness that starts as an easy-out but all too often becomes a habit when frequently used. The antidote is to self-soothe.
Self-soothing
This is a great strategy to use when tension is rising in order to prevent all four of horsemen from creeping into the conversation. The first step of self-soothing is to take a quick time-out from the argument. When conversations get too heated often they will continue until one partner either explodes or implodes (stonewalling). Neither of which are beneficial to managing conflict. Time-outs are a reasonable strategy to use in order to avoid emotional flooding and to regain composure. This allows your body time to calm down and to think more reasonably. Use this time not to replay the argument in your mind over and over again but instead, to calm down. It is important to take that time and then come back together and finish the conversation more rationally.
This is a great strategy to use when tension is rising in order to prevent all four of horsemen from creeping into the conversation. The first step of self-soothing is to take a quick time-out from the argument. When conversations get too heated often they will continue until one partner either explodes or implodes (stonewalling). Neither of which are beneficial to managing conflict. Time-outs are a reasonable strategy to use in order to avoid emotional flooding and to regain composure. This allows your body time to calm down and to think more reasonably. Use this time not to replay the argument in your mind over and over again but instead, to calm down. It is important to take that time and then come back together and finish the conversation more rationally.
Applying these antidotes will help to build positive communication and emotional safety within a marriage. Being aware of The Four Horsemen is the first step. Next time time you sense the conversation is taking a turn for the worse, take a deep breath and try applying the antidotes, it will make all the difference in your relationship.
¹ Gottman, J., & Silver, N. (2014). Why marriages succeed or fail. London: Bloomsbury Paperbacks.
¹ Gottman, J., & Silver, N. (2014). Why marriages succeed or fail. London: Bloomsbury Paperbacks.
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