Tuesday, December 5, 2017

Week 1: Priority

Romantic relationships begin with the stars and hearts phase. Everything is new and exciting, partners dedicate most of their time to each other. The young couple cannot imagine anything but fun and smooth sailing from here on out.

After marriage, time goes on and other responsibilities start creeping in. Bills, work, kids, errands, and a never-ending to-do list starts to consume the married couple. If the couple is not careful, these other responsibilities can crowd out the time they spend together. The fun times they used to experience on a regular basis can fizzle out or become lost entirely. It can be easy to unintentionally let our other demands drain our energy leaving little (if any) for our spouse. The chaos of life can consume the relationship unless the couple commits to make their marriage their top priority.

It is easy to assume that being in a relationship automatically means your marriage is your top priority. However, when our demands outweigh the attention we give to our spouse, it is time to reconsider priorities. Making our spouse top priority means making time everyday to connect with our partner. These daily interactions are critical for a relationship to thrive.

There is an idea emerging in family science know as emotional capital. Couples create capital when they share positive moments together. Think of it like depositing money into a bank account, the more money an individual puts into the bank, the more they have to draw on when a rainy day comes. Overtime those positive experiences between a couple accumulates and their emotional capital gets stronger. When times of conflict or distress arise, individuals in the relationship can draw on their emotional capital to get them through challenges.¹ Participating in fun activities, laughing together, enjoyable conversations and expressing affection are all examples of positive moments that contribute to the couple’s emotional capital.¹ These positive interactions help individuals feel connected, loved and valued. Having positive interactions and shared activities together everyday is an important way keep your marriage a top priority and to maintain the quality your relationship overtime.¹

Throughout the course of a relationship couples experience major milestones like having babies or buying a home. These moments bring the couple together, connecting them in a way that brings immense joy to the relationship. However, these events are few and far between. In between these big events, couples share countless days of ordinary moments. It is these small, seemingly unimportant moments that have a huge impact on a couple’s emotional capital. Research shows that daily routines like catching up after work provides the opportunity for a couple to connect and strengthen their emotional capital. How do couples utilize these little moments and not let the stress of everyday life take priority?


Set aside time everyday to connect 
Time together is all about quality, not just quantity. It is important to set time aside everyday to spend together, distraction free. Put the phones away, turn off the TV and spend at least 15 minutes catching up, talking about your day. A great time to do this is right before going to bed. Pillow talk is a great way to unwind, laugh and have fun together. Regularly engaging in this practice will help couples to reconnect.

Schedule a regular date night
This one can be easy to overlook especially with little ones in the house! Life can get so crazy that sometimes we wake up to realize that weeks have gone by without a proper date night. Sending the kids to a friend’s house or getting a babysitter may be inconvenient but it is really important to do on a regular basis. In his book, Fighting for Your Marriage, Dr. Harold J Markman says that a key factor in predicting overall marital happiness is the amount of fun that partners have together.
When it is not possible to have a date night, put the kids to bed early or have them watch a movie. Take the time you have together to have fun! Pull out a board game, get dressed up or a fancy dinner together, have a photoshoot, or watch your favorite show together. There are so many fun and cheap date ideas you can do, even in your own home.

Send a message to your spouse
Receiving a love note helps to make your partner feel special and appreciated. Taking two minutes  out of your busy work schedule to send a text to your spouse will let them know how important they are to you.

Looking for little ways to serve
Complementing your partner, bringing home their favorite treat and doing the dishes are great ways to help build emotional capacity in your relationship. There are a lot of small ways to serve. Notice what your partner needs and then do something nice for them. It doesn’t take much time but can make a world of difference in the quality of the relationship.


Remember that love is spelled T-I-M-E (3). Do not let the fun fizzle out of your relationship. Build emotional capacity by making your marriage your number one priority. It requires commitment everyday but those positive moments matter.¹


¹Walsh, C. M., Neff, L. A., & Gleason, M. E. J. (2017, January 12). The Role of Emotional Capital During the Early Years of Marriage: Why Everyday Moments Matter. Journal of Family Psychology. Advance online publication. http://dx.doi.org/10.1037/fam0000277
²Markman, H., Stanley, S., & Blumberg, S. L. (2010). Fighting for your marriage. San Francisco, CA: Jossey-Bass.

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