Week 3: Listening

"Most people do not listen with the intent to understand; they listen with the intent to reply." ~Stephen R. Covey

Learning to communicate with your partner is a skill that requires a lot of practice. Take listening, there is a lot that you have to pay attention to in order to truly understand what your partner is saying. It is so much more than the actual words they are speaking, there is also the intent behind their words (what are they really trying to say) as well as body language that we have to pay attention to. With all of these signals to interpret it is no wonder things get lost in the translation and couples end up on different pages.

Without intentional, emphatic or attentional listening there cannot be healthy communication in a relationship. As a society we aren't very good at this. All too often we are hearing what others are saying to us without listening to the words they are saying. We get wrapped up in our own lives and try to multitask while our partner is talking. We may be thinking about how we are going to respond or let our thoughts wander. We can miss so much as we let the TV, radio or our social media distract us from what our spouse is trying to tell us. In order to create a strong, healthy and happy marriage, active LISTENING is required.

Here are a few tips you can try this week that will help to improve listening skills:

1. Give your spouse your FULL attention:
This is something I am often guilty of. As a full time student and mama I am constantly trying to check off things from my to-do list. When my husband calls I think I can keep working on my homework or surfing the internet but it always leaves me missing half of the conversation. I know I'm not the only out there guilty of giving into distractions while trying to have a conversation. 
It is challenging to give our full attention to the speaker because in today's world distractions are literally at our fingertips. The best way to protect ourselves from being distracted is to actively turn away from our electronics. Turn off the TV, put your phones away and close your laptops. Doing this may be hard but it is an important way to show your partner that you care. This helps your partner to know that in that moment, they are the most important thing to you.

2. Don't think about how you are going to respond:
Be honest, how many of you have found yourself in an argument and while your partner is talking all you can think about is the next zinger you are going to hurt them with? Well, it's time to stop! Even when conversations are positive it can be very easy to find your thoughts wandering as you contemplate how you will respond. Staying in the moment is important in order to hear the entire thought your partner is sharing. Often we are guilty of this when trying to offer advice or trying to share an encouraging story they can relate to. However, you can actually give more relevant responses and increase understanding by staying fully engaged throughout the whole conversation. By not worrying about how you are going to respond, the conversation will flow more naturally leaving both partners more satisfied in the process.

3. Practice reflective listening:
One of the great things about getting married is that you become one with your partner. You live together, spend a lot of time together and know each other very well. It can be very easy to make the conclusion that since you are in love and know the other person so well you automatically understand what your partner thinks, desires or feels. However, this can lead to inaccurate assumptions and will result in frustration. Practicing reflective listening can help couples to remain on the same page. Replying with "so what I'm hearing you say is that...." after your partner has finished speaking is a great way to make sure you understood them and their intentions correctly. Practicing reflective listening and asking clarifying questions help couples to better understand one another.

4. Remain calm
Often when our partner says something that can make our blood pressure rise and we soon find ourselves getting defensive. A conversation cannot be productive if one or both partners become angry or annoyed. In fact, those types of feeling in a conversation usually make the situation worse. It is amazing the change that can occur in a conversation as we take just a moment to take a deep breath. If needed, take a little time out to allow yourself to cool off and think more clearly before reentering the conversation. Making an effort to be calm and positive in our conversations will go a long way to building a relationship of trust and satisfaction.

"One of the most sincere forms of respect is actually listening to what another has to say." ~Bryant H. McGill

Active listening will bring new life into your marriage. As you implement these listening tips into your conversations this week, your partner will feel loved, appreciated and understood. It is amazing how the tone and direction of the conversation can change when your partner feels that you sincerely are interested in what they have to say. So take the time to let your partner be heard!


Gottman, J., & Silver, N. (2014). Why marriages succeed or fail. London: Bloomsbury Paperbacks.

Week 2: Communication Styles

Now that you have had a week of putting your relationship as top priority let's talk about something all couples experience, conflict.

It is an enviable part of relationships. When we think of conflict we usually envision hearts pumping, fists clenching and voices raising. Conflict has a negative connotation in our society however, research shows that conflict itself is not harmful. Disagreements are natural and even have positive aspects in relationships. However, conflict can be detrimental for a relationship if it is not managed in a healthy way. 

In his many years as a marriage and family therapist and researcher, John Gottman noticed common negative communication patterns that lead to relationships failing and named them, The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse¹. This article will address each of the four horsemen as well as the antidotes to stop them from destroying your relationship.

Criticism
Voicing a complaint or giving a critique in a healthy way is a great way to resolve misunderstanding and manage disagreements. Criticism is harmful because at it’s core the statement is an attack on your spouse.  Instead of addressing the situation, criticism attacks the other person’s character or personality. An example of complaint vs criticism would be:

     - Complaint: “I was frustrated when you came home and asked what was for dinner. I had a hard day with the kids and have not had time to start dinner. Now that you are home, could you help me with dinner?”

     - Criticism: “You never help with dinner. You are so lazy. You only care about yourself, you never think of helping me. It’s like you don’t even care about me.”

Notice the difference between the two statements, the first focused on the behavior while the second attacked the character of their spouse. The antidote for criticism is to complain without blame. In these situations, it is helpful to use “I statements.” I statements avoid blame by focusing on how the individual feels and then stating a need. In moments of frustration, take a deep breath to think about what you are really trying to say. Discussing with your partner this way will have more positive results. 

Defensiveness
Responding in a defensive manner is giving excuses to get our spouse off of our back. The problem with responding defensively is that it does not solve the problem. In a way defensiveness is used to place the blame on your spouse. The issue will never be resolved and will continue to escalate if defensiveness is often used.

     - She: “Did you pick up the dry cleaning on your way home from work?”

     - He: “My day was too busy. You knew that I had a crazy day, why didn’t you just go get it?”

The antidote for defensiveness is taking responsibility. A better response would have been, “Shoot. I had a crazy day and forgot all about it. I’ll put a reminder in my phone and be sure to pick it up on my way home tomorrow.”

Contempt
Contempt uses disrespect when interacting with others. The intent is to make the other person feel worthless and despised. Dr. Gottman found that contempt is the greatest predictor of divorce¹. Signs of contempt include; eye-rolling, mockery through sarcasm, mimicking, ridicule, and name-calling. An example would be:

"You think you are tired? Oh please, all you did today was go to work. I was up with the baby all night and busy running around with our toddler all day. If only my day was as easy as yours. Could you be any lazier?” 

Contempt never solves problems; it only makes the other person feels worse. The antidote to contempt is to build a relationship of appreciation and respect. A tip to approaching your relationship this way is to spend more time focusing on the positives rather than dwelling on the negatives. Consistently thinking about the negatives of a spouse will lead to frustration and disrespect. However, noticing the good in a spouse will help to create an environment of love.

Stonewalling
This occurs when one partner shuts down and withdraws themselves from the conversation. When a conflict arises they choose to run away from the problem rather than to address it head on. There can never be unity in a relationship when one or both partners choose to act busy or walk away in the face of issues. Stonewalling is a lack of responsiveness that starts as an easy-out but all too often becomes a habit when frequently used. The antidote is to self-soothe.

Self-soothing
This is a great strategy to use when tension is rising in order to prevent all four of horsemen from creeping into the conversation. The first step of self-soothing is to take a quick time-out from the argument. When conversations get too heated often they will continue until one partner either explodes or implodes (stonewalling). Neither of which are beneficial to managing conflict. Time-outs are a reasonable strategy to use in order to avoid emotional flooding and to regain composure. This allows your body time to calm down and to think more reasonably. Use this time not to replay the argument in your mind over and over again but instead, to calm down. It is important to take that time and then come back together and finish the conversation more rationally.

Applying these antidotes will help to build positive communication and emotional safety within a marriage. Being aware of The Four Horsemen is the first step. Next time time you sense the conversation is taking a turn for the worse, take a deep breath and try applying the antidotes, it will make all the difference in your relationship.



¹ Gottman, J., & Silver, N. (2014). Why marriages succeed or fail. London: Bloomsbury Paperbacks.

Week 1: Priority

Romantic relationships begin with the stars and hearts phase. Everything is new and exciting, partners dedicate most of their time to each other. The young couple cannot imagine anything but fun and smooth sailing from here on out.

After marriage, time goes on and other responsibilities start creeping in. Bills, work, kids, errands, and a never-ending to-do list starts to consume the married couple. If the couple is not careful, these other responsibilities can crowd out the time they spend together. The fun times they used to experience on a regular basis can fizzle out or become lost entirely. It can be easy to unintentionally let our other demands drain our energy leaving little (if any) for our spouse. The chaos of life can consume the relationship unless the couple commits to make their marriage their top priority.

It is easy to assume that being in a relationship automatically means your marriage is your top priority. However, when our demands outweigh the attention we give to our spouse, it is time to reconsider priorities. Making our spouse top priority means making time everyday to connect with our partner. These daily interactions are critical for a relationship to thrive.

There is an idea emerging in family science know as emotional capital. Couples create capital when they share positive moments together. Think of it like depositing money into a bank account, the more money an individual puts into the bank, the more they have to draw on when a rainy day comes. Overtime those positive experiences between a couple accumulates and their emotional capital gets stronger. When times of conflict or distress arise, individuals in the relationship can draw on their emotional capital to get them through challenges.¹ Participating in fun activities, laughing together, enjoyable conversations and expressing affection are all examples of positive moments that contribute to the couple’s emotional capital.¹ These positive interactions help individuals feel connected, loved and valued. Having positive interactions and shared activities together everyday is an important way keep your marriage a top priority and to maintain the quality your relationship overtime.¹

Throughout the course of a relationship couples experience major milestones like having babies or buying a home. These moments bring the couple together, connecting them in a way that brings immense joy to the relationship. However, these events are few and far between. In between these big events, couples share countless days of ordinary moments. It is these small, seemingly unimportant moments that have a huge impact on a couple’s emotional capital. Research shows that daily routines like catching up after work provides the opportunity for a couple to connect and strengthen their emotional capital. How do couples utilize these little moments and not let the stress of everyday life take priority?


Set aside time everyday to connect 

Time together is all about quality, not just quantity. It is important to set time aside everyday to spend together, distraction free. Put the phones away, turn off the TV and spend at least 15 minutes catching up, talking about your day. A great time to do this is right before going to bed. Pillow talk is a great way to unwind, laugh and have fun together. Regularly engaging in this practice will help couples to reconnect.

Schedule a regular date night

This one can be easy to overlook especially with little ones in the house! Life can get so crazy that sometimes we wake up to realize that weeks have gone by without a proper date night. Sending the kids to a friend’s house or getting a babysitter may be inconvenient but it is really important to do on a regular basis. In his book, Fighting for Your Marriage, Dr. Harold J Markman says that a key factor in predicting overall marital happiness is the amount of fun that partners have together.
When it is not possible to have a date night, put the kids to bed early or have them watch a movie. Take the time you have together to have fun! Pull out a board game, get dressed up or a fancy dinner together, have a photoshoot, or watch your favorite show together. There are so many fun and cheap date ideas you can do, even in your own home.

Send a message to your spouse

Receiving a love note helps to make your partner feel special and appreciated. Taking two minutes  out of your busy work schedule to send a text to your spouse will let them know how important they are to you.

Looking for little ways to serve

Complementing your partner, bringing home their favorite treat and doing the dishes are great ways to help build emotional capacity in your relationship. There are a lot of small ways to serve. Notice what your partner needs and then do something nice for them. It doesn’t take much time but can make a world of difference in the quality of the relationship.

Remember that love is spelled T-I-M-E (3). Do not let the fun fizzle out of your relationship. Build emotional capacity by making your marriage your number one priority. It requires commitment everyday but those positive moments matter.¹


¹Walsh, C. M., Neff, L. A., & Gleason, M. E. J. (2017, January 12). The Role of Emotional Capital During the Early Years of Marriage: Why Everyday Moments Matter. Journal of Family Psychology. Advance online publication. http://dx.doi.org/10.1037/fam0000277
²Markman, H., Stanley, S., & Blumberg, S. L. (2010). Fighting for your marriage. San Francisco, CA: Jossey-Bass.

Marriage Boot Camp

Are you looking to tune up your marriage?

My name is Allison Dockstader and I am studying Family Life Education at 

Brigham Young University.

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Combining current research from family therapists and social scholars, I will be addressing topics such as making marriage a priority, communication styles and listening skills.

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